


By The Lake

by Hybrid_Venom



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship with fluff, Fuzzy Feelings, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Other, PTSD reference, Reference of mental issues, Self-Esteem Issues, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 21:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4580943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hybrid_Venom/pseuds/Hybrid_Venom





	By The Lake

By The Lake   
Chapter 1  
Mikey The Breakfast Monkey

Gerard was slowly awaking from his sleep when the morning light had started to shine through a crack in the bedroom window. Last thing he recalled was having a hard time with his family lately so not everything was smooth at all and his dreams were reminding him of it. And come to think of it he really did feel tired enough to believe he must have gone to bed at an unholy hour-either that or the unholy hour was right now-.

 

He was awakening from a horrible dream that was starting to disappear into some kind of darkness in the back of his head. Leaving himself confused and mushed for whatever sight he just lived subconsciously.  
He was tired and maybe even a bit broken but the overall feel of the need to get up was winning the battle. After slowly opening his eyes and feeling rather seeing the light pouring through his eyes he decided that he'd try to get up. The light hit directly to his eyes as he lifted his head, causing both of his arms to drop over his face letting out a muffled groan. He reached out with his right hand pulling on to the blankets that were half-stuffed under his body, they were uncomfortably warm but the light was tempting to kill at any moment. When almost achieving his mission to cover himself from light he noticed loud elephant-like footsteps down the hall coming closer and closer the bedroom. All too quick and too unexpected for him to react. That same energy caused the door to thud loudly against the wall, probably even leaving a permanent dent where the doorknob hit.

 

"Gee, get the fuck up! Breakfast now." Mikey, Gerard's little brother roared frustration already striking through the younger boy's voice. Pointing back with his left hand where the kitchen was. Apparently now waiting for him.

 

Mikey was quick to leave when he saw Gerard stare at him wide-eyed as if confused. Gerard groaned grumpily and turned over hugging the very uncomfortable blankets that were now in reach burrowing his face deeply under them. He was tired and needed sleep, everything seemed so off.

 

What was happening? Why did he wake up to a room that had his things but couldn't remember ever being there. Was his family still mad? They could be, he felt like nothing made sense and at the same time he felt like it might only be a made up idea in his head because of the dreams he had recently and maybe the dreams where just a clue but it was getting late and he needed to start getting up.

 

When his eyes were finally starting to adapt he looked around at the slightly dim room, there was light but not too much. Except for a space the blanket in the window wasn't covering still leaving him feeling hurt if he turned towards it. He felt a strange air of déjà-vu. He knew where he was but was still unable to put a finger on the where exactly or the situation that led him there. His mind was still mush and he really wasn't planning on getting up in a while but as every morning's inconvenience his bladder had other plans.

 

"Hmmnng.." Gerard moaned for all the uncomfortableness everywhere. He was now sure that sleep ideas were not going to work out, well at least not today.

 

Groaning and grunting in defeat Gerard finally managed to get up.

 

\---

 

Gerard was washing his hands as quickly as possible but even that couldn't stop him from staring at himself in the mirror. He actually looked a bit normal today and not as tired as he thought. He noticed he had a few freckles on his still pale face and his greasy messy brownish hair didn't help. Gerard felt disgusting sometimes sickly pale or fat all over. His baby face didn't make up for any of it but it was reasonable he was barely a teen after all. And he was already disgusted.

 

When he finally arrived at the kitchen and after surviving to the beautiful and comfortable thoughts of dying and that dying meant sleep and never have to awaken again, his mind had no longer tried to figure out where he was and why. All he knew now was that his family was there, it was extremely warm, probably summer and it smelled like coffee. Gerard knew that if the smell of coffee ever meant discomfort and fear, then Gerard really didn't want to live this life.

 

The pale child walked around towards the coffee pot he giggled watching his younger brother slide and squirm from one place to another to get his cereal and swing his way back to his original spot on the kitchen table, it was cute Gerard had to admit but Mikey did that every morning.. Every single morning.

 

"Breakfast monkey..." Gerard sighed softly pouring a nice amount of dark coffee into his favorite mug. "..Mikey the breakfast monkey."

 

\---

 

Gerard was never the type of kid with many friends-in fact he felt comfortable with the idea of never having to need anyone for anything. Even if he knew this isn't possible for any human being, he still liked the though of never having to owe anybody anything back. Those "nobodies" would never get to know him, thus nobody would ever hurt him. Yes he was ok with it and he knew he was better off this way, or so he though.

 

After sitting merely 5 minutes at the breakfast table Gerard grabbed his coffee and took off to his room. He wasn't feeling all too good and as always he decided to face anything or even his demons alone. His family was too distracted arguing something about the warm weather and his father's job shift being too much to have noticed.

 

Mikey noticed. But he wouldn't get in his brothers way. He knew it wasn't worth it. You see, they used to be close, very close. They are brothers after all. But Gerard changed and in Mikey's need to help he had failed his brother. At least that's what Gerard believed.  
But Mikey knew that no matter how much he was mad or showed Gerard his uncaring side he still loved him. Like always, like forever.

 

Gerard sat in the same bed he had awoken minutes ago, he looked at the calendar and noticed it being a Wednesday. He sat in quiet silence and his voice cracked as he tried to sing to himself to soothe the anxiety that was gnawing at him.

 

He still felt lost. In this house in this place, he had no one. He knew that and once he was starting to think about it he felt his heart go cold his tears stopped forming in the rim of his eyes and it all went downhill from there. 

 

\---

 

Mikey came inside Gerard's room he knew his brother wasn't ok that morning, he just knew after all they were brothers and he knew his.  
But as soon as he came inside he was met with a boy that had torn everything down, he even saw that the blanket that was placed instead of a curtain was taken down letting all the sunlight in. He took a step back horrified of what could happen. No Gerard was not okay. 

 

"Mikey what the hell!" He screamed hatred spilling from the way he yanked the simple words out of his mouth. 

 

Gerard was on the ground covering his face from the world he looked as if he were hit by something or someone Mikey was more than worried now and his poker face façade disappeared. He quickly got on his knees to where his brother lay and pushed the two boxes off his body and noticed that they were filled up with heavy scrap books and comics.

 

"Fuck!" Mikey cursed under his breath but as soon as he was able to free his brother he was pushed away.

 

"Get out of my room!" Gerard screamed and Mikey didn't understand what he had done but he knew better than to argue. He still tried stuttering out a pathetic sorry but as soon as he started Gerard threw a fist to his face.

 

Mikey stumbled back and tripped tears welding up in his bloodshot eyes already. It wasn't serious and he knew the blow wasn't that hard but Mikey knew this had gone too far. He slowly got up heat building up in his body but as soon as he managed to mumble out a set of what he knew were wrong words at the moment Gerard shut the door in his face.

 

\--

 

Gerard was feeling anger he suddenly hated himself. He didn't know why he took it out on Mikey. Now there was nothing he could do about it. He had done it and what's done is done. He felt shame he knew he was a horrible person and for that he knew sooner or later he was going to have to pay. Anyone that ever would have a chance near him would be no less than what he believes he is now. He couldn't ever fool himself, he was a monster and a burden to himself and anyone close.

 

He was a loner. He had to be one for his sake and for anyone else's.

 

\---

 

Gerard lay still for the rest of that day he wasn't in the mood to even get up for dinner every time he thought about walking out of his room he heard the words his brother had said that morning.  
His mother had come inside offering support, she really wasn't in the mood to comfort or confrontations. So, as soon as his elder son decided to go all lunatic and quiet she scolded him and left the room feigning upset.

 

Gerard knew this. It happened all the time. He would feel bad, do something stupid get scolded and be left alone again until it all started up again. He knew nobody understood and nobody would care enough to stay. The world was ugly. He wasn't planning on staying. 

 

He was staring at the ceiling, Gerard could hear his family in the kitchen going on about their everyday nonsense. He wanted out. He didn't belong there. 

 

The sun was already setting. The bedroom growing dim like he liked it. He noticed that he hadn't put eyes outside the window so eventually decided on getting up. As soon as his eyes set on the outside world that his window offered Gerard's eyes set on the beautiful lake that was not so far from his little home. It was beautiful but he couldn't see that much from the distance and trees. He needed to go but he figured he could tomorrow. He admired everything the window permitted him to see and his eyes eating away the last of the lovely colors that the world outside held by the sunset.

 

This wasn't the city anymore, he knew where he was now. He was in his parent's small winter house by the lake.

_________________

 

Chapter 2  
What Bird?

 

Gerard got up feeling the heat of the morning sun hit him. This was odd. He had forgotten to put up a blanket to cover the window. The heat in his body was unbearable and the sting of the mild sun burn on the left side of his body was the cherry on top.

 

He got up quickly, regretting it almost immediately^. Tripping on his feet various times, he managed to get to the toilet alive and retched the vile taste of bile making him cringe and eventually throwing up again.

 

Mikey walked by the bathroom and heard Gerard throwing up but couldn't gather the will power to walk inside or even nock for an opportunity to be with his brother and offer his support. Instead he sighed softly and walked away towards the kitchen. His mother greeted him and Mikey made a sound of discomfort. Immediately Donna knew something was wrong. Sighing to herself she stopped what she was doing and walked towards Gerard's bedroom. 

 

Once inside she noticed there was nothing covering up the sunlight coming in from the window at all like she was used to seeing. She was walking up towards the window next to the small bed when she heard the sound of retching. She turned away making her way towards the small house's bathroom. It was quiet for a while and when she was about to knock at the door to see if her son was okay or at least still alive. The door opened.

 

"Gerard.." She sighed, she didn't mean to, but it was something that happened often lately towards her son.

 

Gerard stared at her for a mere second afterwards and walked away. "I'm okay." He muttered softly and closed his bedroom door.

 

Donna went back to the kitchen and Mikey was already beginning to munch at his breakfast cereal. When she started to heat up her husband'a breakfast and coffee her eldest son decided to go get his morning coffee.

 

She gave him a small smile and placed a pair of stomach pills In front of him. He looked at them and after a few seconds he thanked her silently by nodding and faintly smiling back.

 

\---

 

Gerard returned to his room and grabbed a small backpack he found in his closet and started to stuff a blanket inside, he took an old sketchbook and his colored pencils and pens.   
He walked out of his room and walked by the now empty kitchen. Everyone was huddled up in the living room watching tv. Mikey looked at him for a fraction of a second and turned away pretending he didn't acknowledge his brother by the TV set. 

 

"Where to?" Gerard's father asked nonchalantly still watching the television screen. Only Gerard didn't answer. Don took his eyes off the television screen turning toward Gerard holding up his hands as if bringing up emphasis on the question he just made.

 

"Umm.. Uh, to the lake" he finally stuttered out feeling awkward. He was never one to go out on his own. He never had reasons to. Ever.

 

Every one of his family members stared at him trying to hide their shock. They knew it was nice to know that Gerard was going to the outside world, well on his own accord and will. No stores or gifts or school being the ones to cause it.

 

"Well, honey are you feeling any better? You were so distressed yesterday and just a while ago you-" Donna was cut off by Gerard walking away.

 

"He'll be ok." Don called out to Donna. Still taking in what just happened. "He's just going to the lake, maybe he does feel better, okay?"

 

They all went back to staring at the television screen and laughed when a man got dumped in chocolate.

 

\---

 

Gerard walked for what seemed to be forever under the burning sun, he was beginning to feel slightly light headed once again. He took out the bottle of water out the side pocket of his backpack and took long drink. He put the bottle away and walked around the row of trees along the small dirt road. Up close he noticed the lake's edge was still a few meters away. He walked up to a tree that had a nice shade and started at his blanket from his backpack and laid it out on the short grass.

 

When he was drawing a bird that would probably fly away at any second he heard footsteps approaching from behind. He was honestly too concentrated to turn away, he just couldn't bring himself to do it when he saw the bird fly away. Gerard turned around at that, really, he was almost done!

 

"Why you litt-" Gerard's words were cut off by someone's face, not anyone's face in particular that he would know of but somehow managed to make him stop.

 

"Hey." The stranger answered back. He was a boy. Gerard guessed that he was younger than him, he was short and was wearing dark jeans and a old saggy hoodie.

 

A hoodie? Why in the world would anybody wear a hoodie in such intense heat? And black, what the hell? And my family thinks I'm strange.

 

The young boy stared at Gerard in confusion he obviously didn't like being looked at for too long because he was starting to blush intensely-or maybe it was the heat? Oh, and the hoodie?  
Gerard sank his teeth unconsciously in his bottom lip and dropped his face, he had been staring and criticizing. The boy was obviously embarrassed. 

 

"Hey..?" The boy moved back just a little as he said-asked this. He was feeling rather of topic and was seriously reconsidering the decision of trying to talk to the boy drawing. This was awkward.

 

"I'm sorry" Gerard responded feeling embarrassed of what was happening. He wasn't used to socializing. 

 

The younger boy hummed softly back and took a step closer daring to half-kneel in front of the boy that was now looking at him expectantly. Gerard could now see his face more clearly and was happy when he noticed that the small boy actually looked like a nice person. Not at all like the kids he was used to seeing at all. His eyes where still like a child's and had long hair, well not as long as his and having him so close he noticed that now that he thought about it, it was short compared to his'.

 

"Can I?" The boy asked softly. Gerard nodded coming back down to earth by the question. He shuffled a bit making space in his blanket.

 

"I'm Frank." He said staring at the notebook Gerard had between his crossed legs. "Th-that's really pretty." He stuttered out. Covering his face and hands with his hoodie sleeves.

 

Gerard then remembered what he was doing before Frank interrupted him and sighed softly at his unfinished bird sketch. He really was becoming fond of it and it seemed so alive and admirable. He never thought about being so close to one and have the opportunity. But with Frank interrupting, (although he hates to admit it but he has to accept the truth) he became distracted enough to forget the characteristics of the bird he was so fond of.

 

Frank looked at Gerard trying to decipher why the boy was so quiet maybe he messed up somewhere. Maybe he should leave. He never socialized with anybody really, but he was curious as to why anybody even came to this side of the lake it was always rather empty. Specially here because the neighbors were all a few miles away from each other. Next door was very far and don't even get me started about the nearest town.

 

Either way maybe Frank made a mistake and this kid really doesn't like him at all, even to talk to. Yep coming here wasn't the right thing. But he couldn't help it, it was his favorite place. Frank spent so much time here, it was like another home. No, not home, home was tough. But cozy and nice like a good home. 

 

He just wanted to get to know the guy that seemed so comfortable in it and maybe just maybe make a friend. But he guessed wrong. Bad idea.

 

On the other hand Gerard was becoming anxious and couldn't place a finger on the, why? But he was sure it was because of Frank, the kid wouldn't stop staring. Gerard really didn't have a clue at what to say. Yes he was upset about his bird dilemma. Yet he didn't want to bring it up and have the other kid leave if he confessed about it. Somehow he knew that if Frank tried to leave he would feel too ashamed to try and stop him. He was getting more and more nervous by the minute. God did he regret never socializing, if he would've learned this before it wouldn't be so hard. 

 

Frank turned around facing the river and was seriously considering on leaving. He had interrupted something and he could also tell that it was important. The boy beside him hadn't stopped staring at his notebook since he brought it up. Yep, his mother was probably right, he did ruin everyone's life. He made to leave when the pale boy finally decided to speak up.

 

"I-I'm Ger-Gerard." He said, blushing intensely by the stuttering. Though Gerard didn't turn to look at him Frank smiled. "I was trying to draw a bird cause it was so close and-"

 

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that." Frank apologized. His left hand still up to his chin and mouth. He was shy and too conscious he did stuff like this. 

 

Gerard knew it really didn't matter anymore so he shook his head in response meeting the smaller boys gaze.   
Frank smiled at that and started a conversation based on questions for Gerard of why he decided to go to the lake and why he was there. Gerard couldn't explain it all, even he didn't know why he made certain decisions sometimes. He wasn't very aware of his surroundings either and if he was, he ignored the outside. He was safe in himself he didn't need that much.

 

Their eyes both lit up when they found out they were neighbors and were happy to know it was just them as kids. Frank lived just crossing the small lake's bridge and Gerard's house was a 5-10minute walk away from it. Everything else was just giggles and laughter as they told their anecdotes and jokes. The gossip wasn't much but it was talk and before they knew it they were learning about each other.

 

Yes they seemed happy. They each finally found a friend to talk to and laugh with. Gerard thought about how everything seemed so nice, they would learn things together and maybe one day they'll tell each other secrets. Have adventures together and laugh in some future when things got crazy and wrong.   
Gerard took a deep breath at the though, he knew he wasn't a good person. And he just hoped karma wasn't making a vendetta on him it's all too good to be true.

 

\---

 

It started to rain lightly. And both boys said their goodbyes before going their own ways^. Gerard knew this had been a good day, a really good day. He watched Frank walk away towards the lake's bridge and smiled.

 

Gerard reacted to a sudden thunder roar and started running towards his small home. The rain was still calm but he knew the storm was almost there. When he got home the door was locked and no matter how hard he nocked, nobody answered. He finally decided to run around his home an idea quickly clicking through his mind. Once in the right side of the little house Gerard tossed his backpack over his bedroom window and climbed himself inside. Wet and panting Gerard started towards the kitchen and was surprised that there actually was not one soul inside his whole house.  
Gerard felt a heavy sight leave his body. 

 

He was alone once again.

 

___________________

 

Chapter three  
Hold The Blood

 

Gerard was angry and he was also happy but nobody was willing to listen. He was bored out of his mind and couldn't even draw. His head spun like crazy provoking nausea in his stomach.  
He turned sideways in the most awkward position, but there was really nothing he could do. Any movement, even when he blinked made him feel like he was spinning. He grabbed for the glass in his bedside table and took a sip.  
The taste of the now luke warm water made him gag almost immediately and dry retched on the bin beside his bed.

 

"Gosh, fuck!" Gerard muttered to himself voice hoarse. Laying back down on his bed the summer heat and his temperature rise making him sleep almost immediately.

 

\---

 

"Gerard, Gerard ...hey?"

 

Gerard let out a low moan in response. His eyes opening just a bit. "What?" He managed a while later but nobody answered. He opened his eyes turning his face before towards the door. His room seemed empty.   
Great, now I'm going crazy!  
He looked at his nigh table and noticed he had a jar of iced water and a new set of pills. He mumbled an absent thanks to 'nobody' chugging the pills and half the jar into himself. Laying back down and staring at the ceiling, not at all satisfied but as close as can be in the moment. He began to think, letting his mind take control of any thought that could distract him from the throbbing and spinning of his head.

 

His window was closed and blocked again with a thin black blanket making it easier to live. He laughed airily at the fact of living in darkness because the sun could kill you. He was dehydrated because of the summer heat and insolation took it's toll pretty good on him.

 

His mind kept on making unusually funny thoughts like that and remembered the kid he met. The only one, with the hoodie in summer and cute giggle. (Yes, Gerard thought he had a cute giggle.) He would have punched himself (again) but he was just too sick to move, other than to dry retch. Anything else was just unnecessary exercise.

 

He remembered they said they'd meet again. Gerard just hoped he wouldn't bond with him so much in the future. It was unnecessary, or was it? The poor kid would just get broken by Gerard sooner or later, he would ruin everything. He knew that. And even if Gerard tried not to Frank would find a way to hurt Gerard, wouldn't he? After all Gerard didn't deserve any better. He was something with no value and even if somebody thought otherwise they'd be proven wrong in a second. Gerard was mad at the world. But the world was shit after all. And the world didn't need, like or care for Gerard. He was only brought to this world to bleed.   
To his rebellious belief he wasn't going to contribute with his blood at all. Or so he thought he wasn't.   
But the world knows how to take those beautiful red droplets from your precious blue veins. Gerard knew this and didn't want to chase into the facts.

 

He thought out a song to keep his mind from wondering into any more negativities. He was ok for now and being a little sick wasn't going to change that. Was this really all that mattered?

 

\---

 

It's Tuesday and Gerard's recovery from isolation and dehydration was going very well, so much he had decided to go to the lake and see Frank. But early wasn't really a choice anymore, it was almost five o'clock. He thought about going some other day but he was already outside the front porch.

 

Taking a deep breath he held on to his sketch book tightly against his chest and walked down the gravel leading him away from his comfortable little house. He looked up at odd summer highlights drowning under the grayish sky filling up with clouds and getting deeper shades of gray every time. He feared for his sketchbook. It was probably going to get wet and there was no way he would take his long sleeve just to cover his precious sketchbook. Although, it was a good idea.

 

It wasn't a long walk but it was enough to leave Gerard alone wandering around his mind again and soon doubt had settled in. He wasn't sure anymore why he thought Frank would even be there, it was about to rain after all. And even if Frank was there, why would Frank want to be near him today? Gerard wasn't 'cool', school had taught him that those are the kids others want to be around. He frowned as he remembered this. It was summer and like all seasons it was going to end, then school would just be around the corner.

 

He found the same tree and sighed. Frank wasn't anywhere and the small bridge was deserted. He sat on the edge of the lake putting his notebook carefully aside. He really wasn't going to draw, it wasn't about that today. He wanted to see Frank, he just felt he wanted to see him.  
They were friends now after all, weren't they? And friends feel the need to see each other, don't they?  
All this was too confusing and he was starting to feel hurt.  
Is this normal?  
He took one last look at the lake taking a deep breath feeling his eyes starting to heat up. He was sad, very sad.

 

\---

 

He felt abandoned but at the same time he knew nothing was worth the feeling. He really didn't deserve any better.  
He made his brother hate him, he had said it himself when he punched the younger one for trying to help. But Gerard knew his brother deserved that strike, Mikey had betrayed him a while back, the wound still hurting in his heart. Things were hard then, but after that he had lost everything, well what Gerard considered by everything anyway.

 

Gerard was brought up from his thoughts when he felt soft skin stroke his right cheek. He had been crying and his thoughts were cutting in so deep he didn't notice. He looked up expecting it to be Mikey. Hoping it to be. But the long sleeve drooping in the other arm close to his eyes told him it was Frank. Gerard blushed in embarrassment.  
How long has he been here? How long had he been crying?  
This was pathetic, so much for his hope of ever looking 'cool' around Frank. Frank was so much cooler than him at this rate.

 

"Hey.." Frank paused, thinking of something else to say to the boy who had been crying for over five minutes. The poor boy didn't even acknowledge him the first time he brushed his cheek.

 

"Hey." Gerard managed to answer. He tried to smile through his still bitter thoughts menacing to strike from inside only managing a hurt cringe.

 

Frank nodded and made to leave but before he stepped away from Gerard's space, Gerard held the younger boy's leg softly. Almost as if he didn't want Frank to notice. He didn't and Gerard stared at hoodie boy disappear between the trees and the small bridge.

 

He sat there for a while longer and stared at the beauty of the place, even when it was getting a bit dark and wind was blowing enough to make the water make mini waves he liked it. It was cloudy and he wished all days were like this. He was calmer now and he thought it was best he went home before it did rain or something. He got up and walked through the trees hoping there were no psychopath mutilating folk around these areas like in horror movies. Yes he was suddenly scared of gory horror movies coming to life that moment.

 

A shadow behind one of the trees made him stop himself from walking anywhere near it, but when he saw a head stick out of a hoodie he gasped loudly. The stranger shifted and turned his head to Gerard's direction and lifted itself up. Gerard was so close and the consistency of trees and shadows, oh yeah, and the last horror movies he'd been watching were getting the best of him.

 

The strange thin silhouette was getting closer and closer every second and Gerard noticed it was shorter than he thought. Finally stepping out from the shadows Gerard's eyes made out the other's face. Big eyes maybe brown or hazel, short hair, defined eyebrows and jawline. It was Frank.

 

"Hey?" Gerard sighed in relief. "Thought you headed home a while ago." He was obviously not going to say: "Hey Frank, thought you were a mass murderer or a psychopath for a second." 

 

"Yeah?" Franks eyes widened, big smile spreading across his face.

 

"Y-yeah... I-you left?" He stammered, finding Frank's smile contagious. Gerard's cheeks felt like they burned, probably velvet and was relieved for the first time that day it was dark out. He had learned in less than a week that he was a master to shaming himself.

 

"No!" Frank answered. "I was just giving you space and stuff." Frank fake punched the taller kid making them both giggle when Gerard feigned hurt.

 

They made their way to the bridge like last time. Gerard taking lead, he needed his notebook dry. But when they got there Frank put this curious gaze asking why Gerard was so sad earlier. Gerard really didn't want to answer that. He didn't have a clue to why he was how he was and he sure as hell didn't want anybody clicking in by curiosity.

 

It was starting to rain and Gerard held his sketchbook to his chest. Frank's question still in the air. Frank sensed the elder boy's need to cover the book in his chest and took off his hoodie. Gerard's eyes went wide when he saw Frank hold out his hoodie for him.

 

"Wrap it around your book, it'll help you get it home dry. Gerard nodded and quickly did as told.

 

"Thanks." Gerard smiled, true smile.

 

"Don't mention it." Frank said smiling back at Gerard's now giddy grin. Frank thought his smile was...pretty?   
Was that the right word? Yeah, maybe it was.   
Frank blushed his thoughts being stranger than his new friend.

 

Chapter 4  
It's Life Who Draws Out Blood

 

Gerard found his home empty once again. He left his bedroom window closed before he left and was glad he didn't have to break inside. Instead he used the key his brother left at the kitchen table that morning when emptying his pockets.

 

Maybe his parents and brother want to get rid of him now or maybe they are having quality family time together and are glad he's out so they have an excuse for not taking him.   
This hurt Gerard but he would never admit it, even to himself. It would be too much. Either way Gerard is invisible and nobody cares for his absence, it's probably better this way.   
He shouldn't care either.

 

Decided to take a shower he walked to his room for his pajamas. 

 

It wasn't even an hour since Gerard got home and he was all ready to call it a night. He felt tired and his family's absence just made him that much tense. The rain hadn't stopped but it also wasn't getting worse. He stared out the kitchen window thoughtfully. He was sure to have seen a shadow on the gravel road. He squinted his eyes carefully staring at the dark road.

 

"Agh!" Gerard's heartbeat picked up. Breathing heavily and pacing back, he heard it again. The loud sudden ring only taking out a cringe from him this time. It was just the phone. He sighted in relief and ran up to the phone taking it out from it's holder in the kitchen counter.

 

"H-hello?" He stuttered. He took a deep breath trying hard to get some oxygen back into his system. He could hear static and low voices in the other line. "Hell-" he was cut off by a loud beeping.

 

"Gerard?" The woman's voice sounded familiar in a rather odd way. He still didn't recognize the voice. "Honey... Yes I know.." Perhaps it was a wrong number the lady seemed to be talking to herself. " honey its me Donna, I need you to stay calm ok?"   
Donna. It was just mom? But where was everyone? Why was Donna calling so late? Why should he have to stay calm? What's happening?

 

"M-mom, whu-what's happening?" Gerard's hands had begun to sweat by the nerves and the by shame of his behavior from earlier. They were definitely not having quality family time together because he went out. Something happened and as always. Gerard had been selfish. He felt like a prick, he self-centered himself. Foolish.

 

"Honey," Donna was now either crying or about to beg for help. Her muffled words didn't allow Gerard to figure out what was happening.

 

"Mom?" Gerard was about to panic.

 

"Honey y-your grandmother Helena, she's sick." She took a deep breath, or sobbed? Gerard was shocked that he couldn't place 2 and 2 before. He remembered she had been acting strange after all. Health strange. "She has cancer honey... It's very developed and she has to stay hospitalized. Y-your da-father is with her right now."  
She retook her composure, she sounded so dead serious. Gerard was gonna panic now. That, he knew.

 

Gerard didn't notice when his body began to shake the phone slipping from his hand. Even when the phone fell to the floor the thud was numb.   
His grandmother had cancer, she could die. The only person to ever have listened to him. The only person that offers him unconditional help and affection, no matter his behavior, or what he may have done in the past or even still do! She loved him. He loved her so much! How could this happen to him?   
He was in shock. He was under water now...

 

He raced to the bathroom and looked for the sleeping pills his mother used. His hands were shaking violently and he could feel it come for him from the back of his neck. Startled by his own hallucination of someone being behind him he let out a loud screech, hitting his face while dropping himself and the pills he had finally brought out to the ground. The dull ache starting up at his jawline.

 

Gerard took deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. He knew that a panic attack was starting up, and he knew how to fix it. He slowly got up taking only two of the pills with him and left behind the rest scattered on the tile floor.

 

\---

 

He sat down in his bed razor sharp and cold ready in his right hand between his thumb and index finger. He looked at it feeling his heart rate pick up in a different way than before. This was not fear or panic. It was adrenaline.

 

He mused over the thin little layer while his fingers examined the feel of sharp edge of the razor. He thought about using a knife before. But razors were ideal. They were almost paper-thin and the idea of pushing a knife against his skin sounded ironically triggering.

 

He held the little blood-drawer and held his breath. The razor pressed not so tight yet not so light but nice enough to leave a month's mark.

 

Gerard exhaled slowly razor still splitting skin softly. He could already feel the sting of it and exhaled loudly. In seconds he started to feel the stress leave him but only hitching higher for the need of another draw. He couldn't, he knew how wrong it was and the grossness of the habit, but sometimes it was just so necessary.

 

He wasn't a person to deal with anything. Lately he had felt so bad he couldn't deal with so much hurt. He just couldn't. He knew he was alone, nowhere to vent. Everything and even he was trapped in his skin. There was nowhere else to go. So, why not? He took the blood-stained razor from the ground and held it tight. This time he was attempting for a deep one.   
Was life that important to stay if you couldn't even live it? Was it really that necessary to hold yourself down?   
Maybe he knew the answer and maybe he understood what control meant but right now Gerard couldn't care less.

_________


End file.
